she is everywhere i am...

i see her in my reflection...
and when i look down at my hands.


i talk to her everyday.
i mention her always.


and when i need her near me...
i recognize her.

still after 9 years
a layer of grief is always covering me.
sometimes it is so fine and light,
it lets everything in.
of course she's still with me on these days.

i find comfort in the fact that she
left when the leaves were beginning to change.
it's such a natural cycle of life.

it was her favourite time of year...
she loved the colours.

i don't think she had ever wanted to go grey,
live with pain...begin to show her age.

naturally i think more of her this time of the year.
change is in the air...
the light is different.
the smell is distinct.
i can hear the breeze...the crisp leaves
create a soft backdrop...almost like waves.
and i can't help but to remember it.
clearly.

autumn arrives after fresh spring
and productive summer.
it is a time to collect what you need
to get you through the winter.
she planted seeds before she left.
beautiful children, tradition and love.

more often than not, this season
covers me more like a dense wool blanket.
it is heavy.
i lay under it and find some amount of comfort.
even though it's so much thicker than i need,
i am grateful for its familiar feel.
it smells like her
and so when it's on me i can only think of her...

but it can be itchy...and uncomfortably hot.
fills me with anxiety, sadness and negativity.

i eventually throw this blanket aside,
but it is never far away.

if she'd been taken in the spring
it just wouldn't make any sense to me.
she was born into this season...
she was an autumn girl.
i see her everywhere.
xox
miss you mom